Blogalicious

Lessons from a Heartache by A’riel Tinter

The last (but certainly not least) entry from our PK Voice contest is A’riel Tinter. You might see a little bit of yourself in her. She’s gone through the same woes of heartbreak that we’ve all experienced and learned things the hard way. Today she’s paying it forward by sharing her breakup and the tips she learned along the way. Get ready to take a page from her book (and P.S. tomorrow is her birthday…give her a shout out here or on Facebook if you see her).

“I don’t think I see a future with us.”

My heart sank into my chest. Was that it? 11 months of being together and our relationship ended with this measly little sentence.

I stormed out of his house and drove around for hours trying to regain any shred of dignity I had left. Instead, I ended up calling him in a crying fit and asked him if this break was what he wanted. “I hope we can still be friends,” he said. That request made me feel exponentially worse. “I don’t know,” I replied. I thought my life was ending.

The next week was brutal. The emotional pain was unbearable causing my body to physically fall apart. Everything hurt. Everything. But life continued whether I was ready for it or not. I was in the midst of rehearsals for a musical. The school semester was beginning. Work was busy as ever. Even though I had been at my lowest point and lost passion for just about everything, I continued to go to work, class, and rehearsals anyway. If I gave up, he won.

So many times I had put other people’s needs before my own. I put my future plans on hold for a year to take care of a very ill family member and for a boy who shattered my heart. Eight months later, after my family member was stabilized and the boy was out of the picture, I took a leap. I moved my life an hour away to live and finish school in the city and it was the best decision I ever made. I thrived in my new surroundings. School was wonderful, I got a fantastic job at a local professional theatre, I reconnected with old friends and I met someone new.

So that’s my 2010-11, the most difficult year of my life, wrapped up in a few concise paragraphs. There were many roadblocks along the way, but  I want to share some of the valuable lessons I learned on the road to recovery.

• Delete him out of your life. Delete his number, his Facebook, his Twitter, his old texts, etc. Delete his family members and mutual friends that are really more his pals than yours. I took a month hiatus off of Facebook and returned thinking I could handle him being on my friend’s list. Boy, was I wrong! He changed his profile pic to him dancing on some girl just before Valentine’s Day and I nearly had a heart attack. Don’t bring that pain upon yourself. You don’t need to know.
• The no-contact rule everyone talks about really is important. You have no reason to talk to him (unless you share a child). I never received any kind of closure, which drove me nuts, but knowing the reason wouldn’t change the end result. It’s over with, it’s done. I cannot stress enough how much this helps with the healing process.
• Surround yourself with friends. I had the most wonderful friends that listened to hours and hours of my heartbreak. They took me out and reminded me of all the fantastic things, people, and experiences in life. I guarantee that they want to be there for you. Just pick up the phone.
• 
• Fill Up Your Schedule. It’s okay to be a hermit the first few days, but then you HAVE to get out. You won’t feel like it, but force yourself. And make sure you try to occupy yourself during the times you would’ve been seeing your ex. For me, those were nights. I had rehearsals almost every night after the break-up and it was an incredible help. Then I went head first into another show. Made the nights much less lonely.
• The power of time is magical. Time may not heal every wound of the heart completely, but it sure as hell gets pretty close.
• Know that you WILL love again. Because it’s the truth. I’m living proof.

I briefly thought about writing details of my past relationship, but you know what? I’m done thinking about it and dissecting. It happened, I’ve learned from it and I’ve moved on. It just wasn’t meant to be and I’m at peace with it. In fact, I’m thankful. Because it led me to meet a wonderful guy and to be in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

To those living in the trenches of heartbreak, you will get to this point too. Just take it day by day and take advantage of your support system and resources (such as Pink Kisses).