... but I keep on doing it!

We met a little over a year ago and, despite our cultural and social differences, fell completely and totally in love. We share the same morals, family values, views on politics, sex, children, marriage... The list goes on and on and on.

About a month after we'd been dating he dropped the bomb - a girl he'd casually dated prior to me was 7 months pregnant with his child. They had tried to make things work for the sake of the baby, but it just didn't work. I told him right then and there that unless things were truly over for both of them, I needed to walk away. He assured me they were - that he planned to be in the child's life but that he and the mother wanted to be apart. I asked if he thought that would change after the baby was born - he assured me it would not.

Guardedly at first, I continued to date him and a few months in I was a goner. He has two other children from his marriage - I bonded with them and fell in love with them too. Six months in we talked about moving in together and getting married the following year. In the meantime, the child was born and I gave him the space he needed to deal with it and to spend time with the baby. As far as I could tell things were working out rather peacefully - I couldn't have been further from the truth.

What I didn't know, as I was planning my future with this man and his kids, is that he was FIGHTING for those opportunities with his new baby. That the mother of this baby knew about me and was extremely unhappy about it - telling him that he would never have custody of his child as long as he was with someone else. I would ask what was bothering him and he would tell me that he was stressed about money, about family, about the family business... never about her and her threats.

I moved in over a weekend, before the lease was up on my own apartment (which turned out to be Godsend, btw). We measured the bedroom for a crib for when the new baby would come to stay. The two older children were excited that I would be there on the weekends and they wouldn't have to go to work with Dad anymore. The following Wednesday, after not coming home, not answering my calls or texts, and finally arriving at midnight he asked me to move out. He said it would be the biggest regret of his life but that his children came before his own happiness, and as long as I was there seeing the baby would be a struggle - and he wasn't willing to endure that heartache. I tried to rationalize, said we would go to court for custody, that I would pay for the court filings and lawyer and whatever we needed to do. He said he didn't want to do that to me, that it wasn't my responsibility, that this way was just... easier. For him. I moved out the following weekend.

I was devastated. Barely ate, cried all the time, called in sick to work. We spoke a few times in the following weeks, arguing about his decision but also commiserating about not being together. The hard part was that I understood it; I understood why he asked me to leave. In fact, it almost made me love him MORE.

It's been six months since I moved out. He and I still talk and see each other, but we still can't be "together" for reals. I am not allowed to see his older children anymore because that would put them in a position to have to lie to their new baby sibling's mother. And without me in the picture he is free to see his new child as often as he likes. We love each other dearly, but nothing is the same. I am unhappy, constantly missing him and the kids, wondering if he'll ever be "ready" to do this for reals, wondering if I'm missing out on my own opportunity for kids by waiting for him to figure his stuff out. He is unhappy with my unhappiness, maintaining that he wants me in his life but not at the expense of my happiness. But I still stay, waiting patiently, inflicting a lot of pain on myself, completely aware of the consequences.

Wow. That is quite a lot to deal with, huh?

He did the right thing for his children and you did the right thing by being understanding.

Right now there's this huge maybe floating around in the air about your relationship. Maybe things will change. Unfortunately the truth right now is that things have to stay this way. You could wait around forever or start healing now.

You have to let go of this or it could eat you up forever. Being "just friends" may not be helping either. Checking in with him is a nice thing to do, but is a constant reminder of something that cannot be right now.