My ex and I dated for a little over a year - which was mostly good but trended toward mediocre and boring near the end. I thought about ending it off and on. My feelings towards him were never complicated, and before I ever thought our relationship was even a possibility I knew him to be an honest and sweet man. When I was with him, I was uniquely happy in a way I had never been, and I felt what I can only describe as joy. I truly, honestly loved him and felt loved. It surprised and delighted me for the majority of our time together.

However, we did have a couple of challenges from the start. 1. I am 10 years older than he is (me - 40, he - 30). 2. We work together at a office of about 100 people, and have to interact every day as part of our jobs. 3. .... and PLEASE believe me I know how bad this last one is ... I have a higher-level position in the office and he started in an entry level job. (I immediately moved him to a different supervisor to make sure I was doing the right thing). Due to these ... um ... "complications" only 1 or 2 people knew about us at work, and we never did find a way to tell some others (like his parents, for example? ugh.)

2 days before my birthday, he turned and told me that it was over and that he wanted to end it instead of "pretending" or lying to me. He was crying. I was angry, but kept mostly silent and then left on my pre-planned vacation - alone. I spoke with him one week later to make sure that work wouldn't be too akward for either of us. Since then we have tried to be cordial at work and "friendly."

In the last month, I have joined a gym, taken lessons, fixed up some things in my house, enjoyed spending money on myself ... basically done the things that are a positive, good and productive use of post-break up time. I felt relieved that I didn't have to hide it at work, and that part was over. I look and feel better than I have in a year, at least. I also accepted that it was done and that while I remain angry about the manner in which he did it - I also know the relationship had declined, and take responsibility for my part in that.

So ... I'm getting closer to the question ... I spoke with him a few days ago and what started as a friendly chat ended up with a frank and honest conversation about where we were. I told him what I felt about the way that it ended and that it caused me to question him as a person, distrust him, and that I should never have been treated that way. We kept talking and by the end, he was professing a desire to get back together. I felt the same way. It is now an open topic of discussion between the two of us.

My question to you: Do you think getting back together is a terrible idea no matter what? I read the facts of this and see a lot of items in the "cons" list. But I really did miss him and what we had, and I really do love him and the person that he is. And I believe that this has reminded us both of the importance of being honest with each other and ourselves. Thoughts?

(06-05-2012 09:22 AM)Cats eye Wrote:  My ex and I dated for a little over a year - which was mostly good but trended toward mediocre and boring near the end. I thought about ending it off and on. My feelings towards him were never complicated, and before I ever thought our relationship was even a possibility I knew him to be an honest and sweet man. When I was with him, I was uniquely happy in a way I had never been, and I felt what I can only describe as joy. I truly, honestly loved him and felt loved. It surprised and delighted me for the majority of our time together.

However, we did have a couple of challenges from the start. 1. I am 10 years older than he is (me - 40, he - 30). 2. We work together at a office of about 100 people, and have to interact every day as part of our jobs. 3. .... and PLEASE believe me I know how bad this last one is ... I have a higher-level position in the office and he started in an entry level job. (I immediately moved him to a different supervisor to make sure I was doing the right thing). Due to these ... um ... "complications" only 1 or 2 people knew about us at work, and we never did find a way to tell some others (like his parents, for example? ugh.)

2 days before my birthday, he turned and told me that it was over and that he wanted to end it instead of "pretending" or lying to me. He was crying. I was angry, but kept mostly silent and then left on my pre-planned vacation - alone. I spoke with him one week later to make sure that work wouldn't be too akward for either of us. Since then we have tried to be cordial at work and "friendly."

In the last month, I have joined a gym, taken lessons, fixed up some things in my house, enjoyed spending money on myself ... basically done the things that are a positive, good and productive use of post-break up time. I felt relieved that I didn't have to hide it at work, and that part was over. I look and feel better than I have in a year, at least. I also accepted that it was done and that while I remain angry about the manner in which he did it - I also know the relationship had declined, and take responsibility for my part in that.

So ... I'm getting closer to the question ... I spoke with him a few days ago and what started as a friendly chat ended up with a frank and honest conversation about where we were. I told him what I felt about the way that it ended and that it caused me to question him as a person, distrust him, and that I should never have been treated that way. We kept talking and by the end, he was professing a desire to get back together. I felt the same way. It is now an open topic of discussion between the two of us.

My question to you: Do you think getting back together is a terrible idea no matter what? I read the facts of this and see a lot of items in the "cons" list. But I really did miss him and what we had, and I really do love him and the person that he is. And I believe that this has reminded us both of the importance of being honest with each other and ourselves. Thoughts?

Well the 1st question I would ask him is, what was he pretending or lying about? His feelings? Did he have second thoughts about you two, and why. I think the work thing is fine so long as you keep your private life at home, I know a lot of people who have great, married, relationships that work together, not in an office though so that might be different. You stil llove im that's obvious, but how does he feel about you?

Well thanks. He felt the same as I did in the time leading up to the break up I think. We were in a rut, I think, and neither of us tried to get us out of it. I think we started taking each other for granted. I started resenting it, and not trying. He started feeling like he couldn't do anything right by me, and so he didn't try either. And we didn't talk about how we were feeling about it. So what he was saying was that he didn't want to "pretend" everything was fine or "lie" about how he was feeling just because it was my birthday. He has subsequently described this as "panic" on his part. Right now, he's feeling bad about just ending it so abruptly with no warning. I've told him that no matter how I'm feeling I have been left with a pretty tough memory to move on from.

(06-05-2012 10:13 AM)Cats eye Wrote:  Well thanks. He felt the same as I did in the time leading up to the break up I think. We were in a rut, I think, and neither of us tried to get us out of it. I think we started taking each other for granted. I started resenting it, and not trying. He started feeling like he couldn't do anything right by me, and so he didn't try either. And we didn't talk about how we were feeling about it. So what he was saying was that he didn't want to "pretend" everything was fine or "lie" about how he was feeling just because it was my birthday. He has subsequently described this as "panic" on his part. Right now, he's feeling bad about just ending it so abruptly with no warning. I've told him that no matter how I'm feeling I have been left with a pretty tough memory to move on from.

I feel like I understand what you're talking about. It's sometimes hard to get out of that rut when you really don't realize you're in it. Communication is the best answer for everything, even if its good or bad. Ending it so abruptly is like ripping the bandaid off, it hurts for a minute but eventually stops, if you had seen it coming would it have made it any better? You're in love that's obvious, but does he feel the same way? Does he love you? If he does, try it again. Good luck! Wish you the best!

Thank you - I really appreciate it.