We were together for seven years. It was a difficult relationship because of my negative behaviour that was caused by the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered as a child. It doesn't excuse my behaviour but I was awful to him at times. I broke up with him last year because I was in deep turmoil and made bad decisions about the people I let in my life. I pushed away the people who loved me and allowed people in my life who were negative. It was awful for him to go through this because we still talked and I still wanted him in my life but we kept talking through this period and eventually grew to spend more and more time together and got back together. Since September we were going to counselling together and he was supporting me with the sexual abuse which we were dealing with together in counselling.

Then three weeks ago he suddenly broke up with me over the phone after having a great year learning and growing and doing things in a more positive way. Considering how we were before that was huge. He agreed to coming to another counselling session where he brought up his concerns. He ultimately needed time to think. I went through a week and a half with no contact from him. Wondering what was wrong. I get a letter from him saying that he wants to sort things out and to get perspective about his future and that he can't imagine a future without me and my son but he has to acknowledge that we may not work. He needs to gain perspective so he's going to the counsellor to figure out what to do.

I wrote him back saying that basically we've had problems but we haven't had a chance to learn from counselling and put it into practice. He cut us off before we had a chance to do that. He knows I want to be with him. I told him all of the things I realized during our time
apart about having some abandonment issues that stemmed from the abuse.

He texted me after he read it and said that he promises to read and think on my letter and he wishes he could say more but he has had some overwhelming realizations too. Mainly that he thinks he has some anxiety issues but he will ask the counsellor for advice about what to do.

Meanwhile I'm in limbo and it's been hell. He sees the counsellor tomorrow and I'm bracing myself for the axe to drop. Either he's going to need more time or he's just going to end things. I have to wait for him to contact me because I don't want to come across as needy or not respecting his boundaries. I feel so dark, broken and out of control. Nothing makes sense anymore. I miss him so much it physically hurts.

I feel like that text message undid the good things he wrote in his letter and I'm completely in the dark about whats really going on. He said there was more than one realization beyond the anxiety. I'm cry everyday. I can't handle this. I feel like I've ruined everything.