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Contrary to popular thought, the holidays aren’t nearly as cozy a time for couples as we’re led to believe: a recent study showed a spike in Facebook users changing their status to “single” in December more than any other time of year. So, what’s a girl to do if you find yourself solo this time of year? Here are three easy ways to celebrate on your own terms:
Choose your celebrations wisely. It’s perfectly okay to stay away from parties full of couples that just make you feel like crap. There’s nothing wrong with saying no when you know it will save your sanity. If you’re seriously in the hostess zone, consider throwing a holiday party of your own and only invite singles – no couples allowed… or invite couples, but tell them you’ll only let them in if they bring a single friend. It’s all about watering down the sea of “we’s.”
Give the ultimate gift.
Sure, your sadness is understandable if you’ve just gone through a breakup. No matter how much despair you might be in, though, somebody out there has it worse than you. Someone in the world could benefit from your empathy rather than your apathy. So, splurge on some toys and donate them to charity. Even better: donate your time to a non-profit organization (Meals on Wheels, Salvation Army) that needs extra hands this December. No plans on Christmas Day? Volunteer at a soup kitchen. And don’t just sayyou’ll do it… actually do it. The rewards are in the act itself, the perspective you’ll gain from it, and the smile you’ll put on someone else’s face.
Create your own traditions.
How’s this for a fresh perspective: you don’t need a mate to be happy this season. While everyone is focused on family traditions, why not create some of your own? Instead of foraging for a plus one because of societal pressures, why not dive into the relationship you already have that matter the most to you? Look at your friendships & relationships with family members and figure out how to be better at each one. How about taking new years resolutions to the next level? Use the holidays as a time to reflect on exactly where you are in your life, where you want to be & how you’re going to get there. Or, start living your passions. Dive headfirst into that novel you’ve been wanting to write, that trip you’ve wanted to take or whatever else you’ve been putting off, but are longing to do.
Do it now, as a holiday present to yourself.
The Beatles got it right when they created a whole song about getting by with a little help from friends.
Sometimes, even if we don’t want to admit it, we need to have people in place to lean on when we can’t quite stand up. Going through a breakup is definitely one of those times. A breakup is a major turning point, and the heartbreak that goes along with it can be intensely disorienting. That’s where your friends come in.
Here’s my two cents:
Go on, create your very own team of PK girls. You’ll be amazed at how often people are waiting and wanting to help, they just might not know what you need. Be good to these ladies, make them pillars of your plan to forget your ex and find your inner bombshell. It’ll be a lot of work for you and for them, so don’t forget to appreciate these awesome friends for being by your side.
It’s easy during the holidays to get wrapped up in everything we don’t have. There’s a lot of pressure to have the perfect partner, to make enough money to give the perfect gifts, to have perfect relationships with every single one of our family members. Guess what? No one is perfect and we all have ways we can grow. Still, the heart of the holidays should be about recognizing what you do have and continuing to find ways to appreciate that more.
So, this Thanksgiving, I’m taking a little different stance on what I want you to be thankful for and how I want you to show it.
Here’s my two cents:
To top it off, there’s an incredible effect when you make others feel loved and appreciated. You feel the same, if not more, in return. Give it a try. At some point this weekend pick up a pen and start writing. Then, come tell me all about it.
It’s the question every girl asks after a split: do you defriend the ex on facebook or not? The answer is simple.
If you and what’s-his-face broke up in real life, it’s time to breakup with him on the internet, too.
When I went through my last break-up, I tried to be a big girl and keep him as a friend. I had taken his number out of my phone- no more texting, no more calls. I had deleted old emails and erased voicemails. But, for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to defriend the boy on Facebook. It seemed harsh, unnecessary, mean. And, secretly, I couldn’t let go of having one tiny way to find out what he was up to and see if he was moving on better & faster than I was.
Not even two weeks after the split, I saw his status update on my phone. It was something about how he had an awesome night out on the town. It killed me. Sure, he could have been putting on a brave front. He could have been trying to distract himself. He could have had a really great time with his guy friends… but I imagined it differently. I imagined him surrounded by girls… or on a date. I imagined him totally over me and not at all upset about the break-up. To make things even more awesome, I had spent the night sitting at home in my PJ’s watching re-runs of Sex and the City.
I decided it was too painful to stay connected in any way. I broke it off with him on Facebook. Guess what? After the first two days of withdrawal, I felt like I was finally starting to let go. So… from a girl who’s been right where you are now, here’s my two cents:
If you’ve admitted it’s over and you’re moving on as a bombshell, you don’t need to be focused on what he’s doing. Instead, focus on the incredible little life you’re going to create all on your own.
Mediocrity is not better than nothing at all.
During a radio interview, one of the hosts asked me how to know when it’s time to call it quits on a relationship. I told him I actually think it’s pretty simple.
There’s one question you have to ask yourself: When you’re with your guy, is more of your time spent smiling & having fun or being frustrated & crying?
If the answer is that you’re usually frustrated & crying, then the relationship’s got issues. You need to think about whether or not that’s how you want to spend your life and consider that ending the relationship could make you happier in the long run. It’s not fun figuring out the person you love isn’t right for you (and vice versa). Knowing that you’re not in the right relationship and staying there anyway, though, is like a form of self-torture. Most likely, it’s better for both of you to throw in the towel and start fresh… so don’t think you’re doing HIM any favors by prolonging the inevitable.
I’ve seen countless girlfriends who wind up in situations that aren’t so obvious, too. Maybe he’s a really nice guy & you don’t fight much, but he keeps himself at arm’s length. Maybe he’s really great when you’re together, but then forgets to call when he says he will & misses dates because he’s “busy.” Maybe he says all the right things, but his actions just don’t add up. These are all examples of mediocrity at its finest. Ladies, don’t settle!
Being with a guy because no one better has come along is not cool. Being with a guy because he’s great in bed and fun to party with but won’t call you his “girlfriend” is not cool. Being with a guy who makes you cry even though he says he doesn’t want to hurt you is not cool. Settling for anything less than what you deserve is not cool.
Know what is cool? Having enough courage and self-respect to walk away from “good-enough.” Knowing that you can and will be better off on your own. Saying good-bye with your dignity in tact… because 99% of the time, mediocrity will not get better. And it’s not better than nothing at all.
I created Pink Kisses in the wake of a breakup. A breakup that, to me, felt like the end of the world. Little did I know that my big breakup would actually mark the beginning of a whole new adventure. Since we launched, we’ve helped thousands of women forget their exes and find their inner bombshells. And some of my favorite moments in this journey have taken place when we’ve heard back from someone we’ve helped. Every once in a while one of you reaches out to us to say thank you, and I can’t help but stop dead in my tracks and say, “hot damn. look at that.”
Take Jen, for example. The first time we heard from her, she was fresh off a breakup, confused and scared and needing advice. Now? She’s a certified bombshell. Check her out:
I hope all is well in the world of Pink Kisses and that life has been treating you well! I wrote to you a couple of years (has it really been THAT long?!?!) ago about a devastating breakup that entered my life, and the struggles that came along with it. I was actually super happy that it was selected to be featured on your blog because I was hoping my story would cheer up a girl who was in my same or similar situation. I know that “What Would Betty Do?” totally helped me. Currently, I can honestly say Pink Kisses changed my life for the good, better, and best. I finally got the courage to stop mulling over my ex and picked myself up. I graduated college and am now an MPH student- life is GRAND! I also tried out the online dating scene last year and met the most amazing man ever- a gorgeous cop with some nice abs …waaaaaay better than that silly frat guy that dumped me. Sometimes I actually go back to that my email that you posted on your blog and it brings me back to the day I found out it was going to be posted. That was my first day of “recovery” from my ex. I will never, ever, ever in a million years ever forget that day.
Neither will we, Jen. I’m so incredibly proud of you and the new life you’ve created for yourself on your own terms. Rock on, bombshell.
For more than two years I’ve been adamant about helping women get through heartbreak by forgetting their exes & finding their inner bombshells. I’ve never made a peep about how to get back out there and date again… until now.
Why? Because I honestly believe that the best thing to do when you’re fresh off a breakup is to spend some time on your own, resetting your priorities and embarking on your own adventures… fabulously unattached. I believe that we have to discover the strength we never knew we had within, and learn to love being independent, before we can find happiness.
BUT, I also believe that once the dust settles and you’ve blossomed into a bombshell, you deserve to be a die-hard romantic if you choose, and to search for life altering love. You deserve not to settle for less than awesome because amazing relationships do exist. And now, I’ve found someone who can help you find the courage to stand up for what you believe and have amazing dating adventures.
So, even though I rarely endorse people, I’m shouting from the rooftops about the oh-so incredible Jenn Burton. She is wise, irreverent and spot-on when it comes to helping women figure out how to create an entirely new kind of relationship on their own terms. Her course, The Courage Kit, that starts in less than a week, is in-dept, profound & provacative. I can’t stress enough that if you’re ready to get back out there, this should be your first step.
To give you an idea of what you’ll learn from Jenn, here’s a taste:
Check out her video here and sign up for a chat with her right this second. There are only 7 spots left and they’ll be gone before you can say, “go bombshell!”
And, most importantly, promise me you’ll chase your dreams without apology and never let fear be a reason you don’t put yourself out there in the world. That goes for dating, your career, anything in your life. Go on, be a bombshell in every sense of the word. I dare you.
This week Ellie sat down to share her breakup advice with the amazing Jenn Burton, the creator of HaveHimYourWay.com. Think of Jenn’s website as the step you take after Pink Kisses, so that you can confidently launch yourself out there into the dating world. It was a fun conversation between two fabulous women who are helping women move forward and take control of their lives, so be sure you check out the whole thing…
Okay, we’ve all been there… well most of us have. Left absolutely devastated and broken hearted. Mine happened in Mexico, his name was Saul. And yes I spent an entire month in bed because of him. I’m not exaggerating.
Breakups suck no matter how you spin them. Remember the morning after, that completely empty feeling you wake up with? Where you feel like your stomach is in your chest, and life no longer has any sweetness to it.
Lots of us stay in miserable relationships just to avoid the morning after…
Read the full post here.
Her Campus recently interviewed Ellie to gain her insights on getting over an ex. Check out what she had to share!
We totally get it: break-ups are tough. When it comes to bad break-ups, we collegiettes have all been there–curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, moping about our (now ex-) boyfriend and browsing though the newly posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend on Facebook. Getting over a break-up with your boyfriend is hard enough, but figuring out how to stop obsessing over him can be even harder. Maybe you constantly find yourself reaching for your cell phone to text him or you can’t seem to go anywhere without hearing Adele’s “Someone Like You” on the radio, but either way, you can’t get over him.
Regardless of what caused the split between you and your boyfriend, it’s understandable when you start to have hurt feelings and a sense of loss. Sometimes, you can fall into the trap of obsessing over the break-up, or even worse–reaching back out to him. But no matter what happened between you and your ex, it’s time to move on. So how do you start getting over the break-up (and him)? We consulted founder of Pink Kisses and expert on break-ups, Ellie Scarborough, to bring you the HC-approved guide to stop obsessing over your ex.
Bombshells! There are all sorts of ways to get help around here. Find advice in my vlogs, peruse Bettyville for awhile, and of course you can always ask me directly. That’s exactly what I’m doing here today, answering one of our bombshell’s burning questions. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
I have been married for 44 years, I love my husband more than I love myself, he loves me, but he had an affair with my baby sister. 14 years younger. He is beside himself that I found out after it was over a few years. I am having a very hard time forgiving them, but they do want forgiveness. How can I get through this? I love them both with all my heart. They love me too, but it is very hard for me. Help me to get through this.
OK. There are a number of things in your email that broke my heart, but the main one is this: “I love my husband more than I love myself.”
Honey, this has to change. You HAVE to be able to love yourself in order to be happy and have truly healthy relationships in your life. You seem to be focusing a lot on how your husband and sister are feeling, and what they want and need from you. That probably comes naturally to you because you’re an empathetic person. But here’s the thing: what matters most right now is what YOU want. What YOU need. How YOU feel.
We absolutely recommend you talk with a counselor, first and foremost. Setting up a strong support network is vital right now. If you have friends you trust wholeheartedly, choose one or two to confide in, and find a good therapist in your area who can help you work through your emotions. It won’t be a quick process; it’s going to take a good deal of time and energy to work through the complexities in your life. I promise you this, though: if you honestly make a contract with yourself to give yourself time to grieve and heal and move past this, you’ll find strength you never knew you had, and you’ll rediscover amazing things about yourself that I bet you’ve forgotten all about. Whether she realizes it or not, there’s an immense amount of beauty in a woman who’s rising from the ashes like a phoenix.
This time in your life is tough… there’s no denying that. But you are a person of worth, and you deserve to be treated with care and respect by the people closest to you. Most importantly, you have to treat yourself with respect, and that means giving yourself the time and resources you need to move beyond what’s happened. Most of all, know this: you are NOT alone, and you WILL get through this.
P.S. Got a question for me? Shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org