Blogalicious

The Do’s and Don’ts of Staying Friends with an Ex

We’ve all been there. That fateful moment after a breakup where someone attempts to soften the blow by asking, “We can still be friends, right?” As much as we crave that comfort, there are plenty of reasons that attempting to stay friends is a bad idea. This week Ellie contributed her two cents on the issue, alongside other advice from experts,  to Heather Rinder at Her Campus, the online community for college women. Check out the article below:

After a break-up it’s easy to not only feel hurt and upset, but lonely too. You’ve spent a significant amount of time with a person who is suddenly no longer in your life, either in the same way, or at all. It’s natural to want to maintain a relationship with that person – calling them, finding ways to bump into them during the day, or planning “casual” lunch dates. Sometimes, though, this is exactly the opposite of what you need.

Her Campus spoke with relationship and break-up experts Dan Lier, of AskDanandMike.com, Ellie Scarborough, of PinkKisses.com, Dr. Ish. Major, of LittleWhiteWhys.com, and Dr. D. Ivan Young, author of Break up, Don’t Break Down for tips on when it’s OK to contact him, and when you have to just let go.

Here we list the do’s and don’ts of staying friends with an ex.

Don’ts:

Don’t enter into a “friendship” if you still feel romantic love.
Scarborough suggests a no-contact rule for at least 90 days after the break-up. “Instead of putting your energy into trying to be friends with the person you just broke up with, put that energy into other relationships like friends and family who you might have neglected a bit during the relationship,” she says.

Click here to read the full article

Q&A: What if I think he’ll be back…?

Bombshells! There are all sorts of ways to get help around here. Find advice in my vlogs, peruse Bettyville for awhile, and of course you can always ask me directly. That’s exactly what I’m doing here today, answering one of our bombshell’s burning questions. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.

Q:

I’ve been dating a great guy, he is 53 and never been married. He is successful, great career, treated me great until…. We talked every day, saw each other twice a week for 4 months. He then stated he had tried to have relationships and he just can’t be in a relationship. I asked him why, he stated work and his family back home. He IS NOT dating anyone else. He seemed crazy about me and now I’m not hearing from him. He told me he can’t give me what I want and need. I think he will be back, but what should I do?

A:

The beginning stages of a relationship are fun, but they can sometimes be misleading. Before there are any expectations, before obligations creep in… that’s generally when it feels the most carefree for men, but as women, we tend to start making future plans rather quickly. When we reach a point where we start externalizing those plans, men usually pick one direction or the other (i.e., sticking around or hitting the road), and there may not be much space in between.

If he told you outright that he can’t give you what you want and need, it’s probably the truth. So, starting right now, it’s up to you to make your own happiness and move forward without him. If you need a little daily nudge, you might consider checking out our Betty Action Plan — it emails you a specific new step to take each day for 30 days straight, to get you focused on YOU again instead of him, regardless of what the future holds. Taking care of yourself and creating your own joy is always a win-win, no matter what.

Hang in there, babe! You’re a self-sufficient creature who deserves to be happy, with or without him.

got a question for me? shoot me email at ellie@pinkkisses.com

xx,

ellie

Q&A: How to shake the burn of a breakup 3 years later…

Bombshells! There are all sorts of ways to get help around here. Find advice in my vlogs, peruse Bettyville for awhile, and of course you can always ask me directly. That’s exactly what I’m doing here today, answering one of our bombshell’s burning questions. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.

Q:
I really need some help, because this feeling is ridiculous. My ex and I broke up THREE years ago. We went out for two years, but during those 2 years we were basically together ALL THE TIME. He was close to my fam..etc. We talked about marriage..had a pretty healthy relationship or so i thought..UNTIL he completely blindsided me and became attracted to someone at work. We broke up OVER THE PHONE and pretty much became strangers. What’s always bringing these feelings of anger back are facebook, friends that I still talk to of his. He ended up marrying the girl from work 2 weeks ago! YAY for me. I just want to forget about him and not care..and let go…

A:

Honey, I know it can be hard to let go of the possibilities, whether it’s been three weeks or three years. BUT, it’s time to let this guy go. What are you waiting for? He CLEARLY has moved on and isn’t making any attempts to come back. And, by the way, he wasn’t that awesome. Just look at how your relationship ended! You deserve better. In fact, you need to take some time to write down all of the reasons he didn’t rock and look at that list any time you’re in doubt.

You say you want to forget about him and move on. It’s simple, really. It sucks, but you have to cut off any friends you share, any people you’re connected to on facebook who are friends with him and any other reminders… at least while you’re healing. You don’t need to torture yourself by seeing his status updates or looking at his wedding pictures. Nope, it’s time to focus on you. You’ve got an inner badass in there somewhere… let her shine.

got a question for me? shoot me email at ellie@pinkkisses.com

Pink Kisses Answers: How do you handle messages from your married ex?

Every so often Ellie answers questions that pop up from the Austin community & beyond through a lovely Website calledCultureMap. Today, she tackled this tough question:

Q: In the last month, two of my exes from the past eight years have contacted me either by phone or sending a message on Facebook (and we’re NOT Facebook friends). Is there something in the water? I’ve moved on (although I’m still single), and they are either in relationships or married.

How do I respond? I’m not interested in being friends or reconnecting, and I’m not even sure it’s healthy that they are contacting me. I don’t want to be rude, but I also understand they are in my past for a reason and I didn’t want them in my future. How do I get rid of them? I mean, I’d be mad if my man was contacting his ex out of the blue!

A: Girl, go with your gut on this one. If it feels yucky about the whole situation, it should.

To read the rest of what she has to say, click here.

And below, in the comments, we want to know if you’ve ever been faced with a similar situation. How’d you handle it?

xx

The PK Team

What if you’re falling for your best friend’s ex?

Say you’re falling for your best friend’s ex. You love your best friend, but you’ve gotten signals from her ex that have developed into a little crush. Seems complicated, right?

Think again.

The answer to this dilemma couldn’t be more simple. Click here to see the advice I dished out for this exact situation. And, if you want more, here’s a video I created about knowing when a guy is off limits:

Read the full blog post here.

xx,

Ellie

{media bombshell is born}

Darling bombshells! I’m so excited to share a brand new chapter of the Bombshell story with all of you. It’s all about doing what you love the most and sharing it with passion & purpose.

This week, I launched Media Bombshell as a whole new project to help women find their inner bombshells.  Check out the video on my homepage that explains my unique view on why every person with a business, an opinion or a cause needs to be using a camera to share their story. And, find out why Media Bombshell is an extension of my bombshell brand here.

See, about a month after launching Pink Kisses, I appeared on the TODAY Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda and pretty much right after that I started getting asked by other entrepreneurs, friends and even complete strangers one very simply question:

How do you do so well on camera?

Since then, I’ve appeared in & on countless other media outlets. But perhaps what I love the most are my video blogs, where I get to speak directly from me to you, and share advice, insights and tools for getting over heartbreak. I always try to keep it simple. I try to be authentic, to share from the heart. And I try to make every video with a clear purpose in mind. That purpose? Serving the fabulous community of women that are so loyal and active here on Pink Kisses.

Now, I’m teaching the techniques I’ve used to build my bombshell business. My plan is to help women everywhere master their message and know their purpose. My goal is to help them find their voices and share their stories through the power of video & media. My hope is that I’ll also be able to help them find confidence & poise that is buried deep within… and help their bombshells shine.

So, this is my next adventure. What’s yours? I believe that we should all be chasing our dreams at full speed… and making sure we’re holding each other to it. Know what I’d love for you to do? Tell me exactly what dream you’re chasing, what giant leap you’re taking, in the space below this blog. Let’s continue creating the bombshell revolution right here. Right now.

xx

Ellie

My Valentine’s gift to you……

Bombshells!

I want you to make me a promise right now. I don’t waste one second thinking about what your life isn’t today… instead, focus on all of the amazing people in your life, all of the adventures you have ahead of you and all of the freedom you have to make your life whatever you want it to be.

My gift to you is this little video with a whole fresh perspective on tackling Valentine’s Day solo:

Your gift to me? Leaving a comment below with one thing you love about your life, right this second.

xx

Ellie

How to handle seeing your EX with poise & confidence…

Sure, the thought of seeing Mr. Wrong at this very second makes you a little sick to your stomach. That’s ok, you’re human. And, you may actually be one of the few women who never ever has to see him again in your entire life… but, I hate to say, that’s probably not the case.

So, instead of dreading it or avoiding the possibility or choosing not to be prepared, think again. but before you even think again, watch this:

Listen, you’re creating a brilliant new future for yourself. BUT ~ you have to keep in mind that your past might just creep in to your lovely new plan every once in a while. Don’t sweat it.

The goal is to recognize that this person had a big role in your life at one point, but now he doesn’t. Whether the breakup was your fault or his, whether you really want to punch him in the face, ignore him completely or beg for forgiveness, you have to realize that how you act is completely up to you. You can forgive him. You can move on. You can stop torturing yourself with what if. You can do anything you choose.

The conclusion? You have the power to be a total bombshell when you see him. So, what’s your plan?

xx

Ellie

Fresh Off a Breakup? 3 Things to Do Right Now

We’ve all been there. Dwelling on what could have been instead of moving forward. Feeling stuck and a little bit lost. Not sure exactly who we are any more without that other person in our lives. Take a deep breath. Here are three things you can do right this moment if you’ve just ended a relationship.

{detach & triage}

The most difficult part of a breakup can be, very simply, accepting the fact that it’s over. The most important things you can do? Remove temptation by deleting him from your phone, email and social networks; you’ll thank yourself later when you realize how much you sped up the healing process by refusing to stalk him or reminisce endlessly. Instead, surround yourself with a support network: delegate two friends you’ll call, email, text, or IM when you want to connect with him.  Let your friends help.  It’s what they’re there for.

{select your symbol}

Even though breakups can be incredibly challenging, there’s something about a split that can actually bring out the best in us.  We show the world what we’re made of when we get knocked down and somehow manage to rise back up again… so select a symbol of your strength and keep it in a place where it constantly reminds you what you’re capable of. It can be a meaningful piece of jewelry handed down for generations or a simple fortune cookie slip.  Let it be your anchor when you’re having a moment and need help remembering that you’re going to make it through to the other side, stronger and wiser than ever before.

{hit the reset button}

The period after a breakup is the perfect time for redefinition, and switching up our routines can actually help us move forward in more ways than one.  Scent is the sense most closely linked to memory, so toss your old perfume or body wash and replace it with something delicious that you’ve never worn before.  Make a playlist of songs that make you smile and have nothing to do with your old relationship whatsoever.  Rearrange the furniture in your home, indulge in a new set of sheets and add little touches to refresh your nest.  If you know you’ll run into your ex at the Starbucks around the corner, start buying your lattes elsewhere.  Pick up a new book, workout routine, hobby or volunteer opportunity. Do it now, before you get used to having time on your hands that you used to spend with him. Instead of filling the emptiness with sorrow, fill it with something awesome.

xx

Ellie

Bettyville: where every betty can be a bombshell

Not feeling like a bombshell with Valentine’s Day right around the corner? Hey, pick that gorgeous head up and join the club. Literally… join Bettyville & snap out of it, right now.

Wanna know what we’re up to at the moment? Here’s a peek:

If you’re in need of a breakup bible, I’ve got just the thing. Check out  It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-up Buddy by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.

This book seriously helped me gain perspective during my last break-up and I know I’m not alone in saying that. It’s funny, smart and honest.

Don’t just think about reading it… start right this second. Need a little motivation? No problem! It’s our first book we’ll be discussing as a group in the Bombshell Book Club (one of six lovely groups in Bettyville). I’ll be leading a chat about it online coming up on February 13th, so instead of being glum about not having plans or torturing yourself on whether or not to text your ex, come hang with us and get focused on appreciating your amazing little life just as it is.

Come play!

xx

Ellie