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what would betty do… if she had trust issues?
- , 12/27/2011Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
I’m an extremely jealous person, which has ruined every serious relationship I’ve been in. Despite the fact that I’m a moderately successful woman, when I’m in a relationship, I can’t help but feel like my partner is constantly looking for someone better—or will jump at the first chance to be with someone who’s prettier, smarter or more talented than I am (maybe blame Hollywood or reality TV for convincing me that every man is always on the prowl). It feels terrible, and it feels even worse when I start thinking about how self-destructive this line of thinking is, and how much of a self-fulfilling prophecy that sort of fear can turn into.
I’m currently dating a man who raises every irrational red flag I have, despite the fact that he’s a sweet, loving, caring man who hasn’t given me a reason to doubt him. But: he’s a working actor, who often has close (professional) relationships with women who set my jealousy off in the most extreme ways. While I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut to avoid scaring him with my insecurities, it’s getting harder to distract myself from the constant worry. When he lands a part, it’s hard to be happy because my fears immediately take over.
I don’t like the person, or the girlfriend, that this kind of thinking turns me into. How can I stop fear and jealousy from being my default setting, and learn to have more confidence and trust in what’s otherwise a wonderful relationship?
A:
The good news is, you’re already aware of exactly what the problem is and exactly how it manifests itself. That’s half the battle. It doesn’t mean the fight within yourself won’t be tough, but it does mean you know who the enemy is, and odds are, it’s not the guy… it’s your own fear of him hurting you. So let’s start there.
Chances are, someone wronged you in a big way when you were probably very young, and it set into motion a pattern of distrust and paranoia. It’s certainly not your fault by any means, but if you want to enjoy healthy relationships, you’ve got to ask yourself a very important question: are you simply distrustful of every man you date no matter what kind of foundation his character is built upon, or are you only allowing yourself to get involved with guys who don’t deserve your trust to begin with? It may sound like an overly simplistic question, but it’s a critical one. So do yourself a solid: take a long look back at the ever-present patterns in each of your past relationships. Did every one of them lie and cheat? Did every one of them turn out to be something other than what they presented themselves to be in the beginning? On the other hand, were all of them actually trustworthy but just plain turned off by your lack of trust? Were they good guys who just got tired of having to prove themselves to you all the time? They likely all fall into one category or the other, and you have the opportunity now, while your current relationship is still in its earliest stages, to send your fear—or the guy—packing; whichever one makes more sense.
Take some time to be really honest with yourself about your current relationship. If there are liars and cheaters in your past and the new guy legitimately seems dramatically different, or alternatively, if the only lying and cheating in your old relationships existed purely in your imagination, now’s your chance to say, “Okay, I’m choosing to give this one the benefit of the doubt. I’m choosing to do things differently and give it a shot.” The beautiful thing about free will is this: every single minute presents a new opportunity to break old patterns… to choose to get out of our own way.
Here’s another important question: although your lack of trust seems to be an across-the-board kind of thing, does it really come from your gut, or does it reside in all the other voices in your head? When you get right down to it, we all have that little voice in the base of our skull and the pit of our stomachs that tells us what to do, where to go, whom to trust and why. It’s all the other chatter that tends to get in the way and mess things up. So, if your deepest instinct tells you your current guy is worth trusting, look your fear in the face and dismiss it. Write down the following phrase and keep it somewhere accessible so you can remind yourself of it often: “I choose to get out of my own way. I choose to trust people who deserve to be trusted.” Then, live by it. No exceptions. Old habits are hard to break—particularly ones as deeply rooted as this one—but you have to give it a shot. If your deepest instinct tells you, however, that you’ve got a little more work to do before you can find yourself attracted to decent, trustworthy guys (they do exist—honest!), then the best thing to do is let him go.
One last thing: a key element of any healthy relationship—you’ve probably heard this before—is open communication. If you’re pretty sure your current boyfriend really is a decent person and you want to see where this relationship can lead, it’s imperative that you let him know you’ve got trust issues. Sit down with him in a non-confrontational manner and explain that you’re working through some really deep stuff, and that you need him to be patient with you. If he understands the battle you’re fighting and he’s worth keeping around, he’ll help you fight it. He’ll have your back, and he’ll have no problem letting you know how he feels about you and what his boundaries are. The ones worth keeping are the ones who take us for who and what we are and help us grow without even meaning to. If he’s one of those, stick around and let him help you. If he’s not, let him go and learn to help yourself. You’ve got what it takes to figure it all out — you just have to get off the roller coaster in your head and let yourself.
Good luck in this new phase of your life. It’s going to be scary at first, but if you work your way through to the other side, you won’t be able to stop thanking yourself.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
I’ve been in a relationship for a year, but I have feelings for my best friend (who’s a guy). Advice?
A:
You must feel incredibly confused right now, being in a relationship and having feelings for someone else. I think there are probably a few things going on… first, your relationship with your current boyfriend isn’t everything you hoped it would be, and as much as you want it to work, you’re not 100% engaged in therelationship. If that’s the case, then the best thing to do is rip the bandaid off & let him move on as soon as possible. The founder of this very site, Ellie, created this video about how to break up with someone like a bombshell… take a look.
Second, don’t you dare dive right into your next relationship. Give yourself time to heal fro your breakup and see if the feelings you have for your guy best friend are real, or just a passing infatuation. There’s some more good news: there are a lot of things you can do after the breakup to make you feel better & figure out what you really want in your life. Here are just a few:
1. Take the same amount of time you used to spend with the boy each day (or week, or whatever) and spend it doing something new instead. Try a new creative pursuit like drawing, painting, singing, dancing… or a new sport, or reading a new book, or doing something totally unexpected and fun. Spend it exploring YOU and uncovering your passions.
2.Meet new people starting today. Dive into your work and spend time with coworkers. Check out meetup.com for people doing things you enjoy (everything from seeing chick flicks to sharing your love of hiking). Create your own happy hour/Sunday Brunch group. If you’re doing things you love and being social while you’re at it, you might just discover maintaining the friendship you have with your guy best friend is worth it. It’s a good test to see just how deep your feelings are for him and if you’re willing to cross the friendship line.
3. More than anything I highly encourage you to check out the Betty Plan — the brains behind PK wrote it from the heart to help girls just like you get through breakups one day at a time. It’s intelligent, it’s inspiring, and it sends you an email a day — every day for 30, 60 or 90 days — with a step to take to get over your ex and keep moving forward. It works.
Listen, there’s a reason you’re not so focused on the boy you’re dating right now. Trust your gut. It’s not going to be easy, but it could just be the best thing you can do, for both of you.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
I was only in a relationship with the guy for three months, and the breakup was well over three months ago. It wasn’t a bad breakup, by any means, but I keep going through days when I practically convince myself that he will take me back. I’ll tell you, the random text messages and out-of-the-blue meet ups aren’t helping that much. I know I can’t get better by telling myself that we’ll get back together in the future — that’s just setting me up for failure.
So, how do I stop convincing myself? And how much longer will it take to get over a relationship that was so short?
A:
You’re not alone in what you’re going through — the PK girls have absolutely walked away from fairly brief relationships and felt as much pain from those as we did at the end of much longer, more substantive ones. There’s no set formula for getting over it in a certain amount of time based on how long the relationship lasted. In fact, we just did a national survey on the breakup recovery process and found that a majority of women said they’ve been through the experience of feeling a significant amount of pain for a substantial amount of time even after a brief relationship ended. The reality is, heartbreak is heartbreak, plain and simple. It just hurts, and that’s that.
Here’s the good news, though: you’re correct in realizing that those occasional meetups and texts and such are bad for you. You totally get that imagining the fairytale ending over and over again is only setting you back — it’s just the impulse control part that’s giving you a tough time. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we’re tough enough, cool enough, or over it enough to see him again, to try to be friends, to start over from scratch, or whatever our motives might be. But the fact is this: the best way to honestly get over him is to walk away completely and focus completely on yourself. It’s tough, but it’s true. You have to establish a no-contact rule and stick to it. Rally your close friends and confide in them about how deep in the trenches you are; they may not even be remotely aware of it since you weren’t with him for very long. Once you tell them, they’ll get it, and they’ll be there for you.
With time and perspective, it will get better. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling what you’re feeling. Sometimes we fall deeper than we mean to, and it takes a little longer to dig ourselves out of the trenches. Just remember you’re more than capable of bouncing back. Give yourself the right tools, and you absolutely will.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
Hi Betty, I am writing to you once again. Your advice really helped last time.
I dated this guy for two years and we broke up a couple of days ago. He was 6 years older than me. He is 28 years old, settled, and is ready to move on to the next part of his life… marriage, family and kids. Me, on other hand? I’m 22, applying to medical schools and trying to finish my undergraduate degree. We broke up two days ago. It was kind of mutual — we tried every possible way to work it out, sat and thought for a long time, but I can’t give up medical school and he doesn’t want to wait that long before having kids. I have no right to ask someone to give up their dreams of a family. We broke up earlier but started talking again… and here we go, yet another breakup.
I hope I made the right decision by letting it go. I know I want to build and have a career first. Is that selfish of me? I hope I made the right decision. I was used to spending so much time with him, and all of a sudden, it’s gone. I am so lost and confused. I don’t know what to do, how to do it or where to go. Sometimes, all I can do is cry. How do I handle this? Did I make the right choice here?
A:
You absolutely, 100 percent made the right choice. I remember your first question from earlier this year, and I remember the sinking feeling it gave me when I first read your words. I could tell from your phrasing that you were a very intelligent, thoughtful, caring person who was absolutely stuck in a controlling relationship with someone who had very little regard for your happiness. I remember hoping to heaven above that you’d get out of there.
You said something really compelling in your latest question… you made the remark, “I have no right to ask someone to give up their dreams of a family.” Well, okay. That’s a fair statement. But so is this: He has no right to ask someone to give up their dreams of being a doctor. It works both ways. In a healthy relationship, both people support one another equally and get excited about seeing each other fulfill their dreams in life. This guy wants a family? Great. Let him have one. And you go live your life. You will never, ever be happy with someone who doesn’t support your goals. You’re going to be a DOCTOR. That’s tremendous. You deserve to be with someone who’s bursting at the seams to tell everyone how bright and amazing and accomplished you are — not someone who just wants you sitting at home, cranking out babies when there are other dreams you wish you were chasing instead.
Yes, breakups are tough. Yes, there’s a sadness and an emptiness you have to deal with in the aftermath, and it can be excruciating. (In truth: if it weren’t, this website wouldn’t exist, because let’s face it: there wouldn’t be a need for it.) But some of the toughest things we go through in life are the very things that build our character, make us strong, and teach us lessons we wouldn’t otherwise have learned. Don’t you dare give up your dreams for this guy. Wish him well, walk away like a lady, and then go find your life. Don’t let him pull you back in, either. The only way you’ll be able to truly break free is to establish a no-contact rule with him and stick to it. It’s hard, but it’s vital. You’re already aware of the services we offer to help you through the months following the breakup, so take full advantage of them and let them guide you through to the other side.
Oh, and let me tell you something: what’s on the other side for you is going to be absolutely mind-blowing. So don’t you dare deny yourself the experience.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
what would betty do… if she opened up an old wound?
- , 11/29/2011Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
Hey Betty, I’m going to cut to the chase: I was seeing him for seven months while away at school until I went back home for the summer. I spent three months crying, moping, then pondering where everything went wrong and trying to get my life in order without him. I felt after three months or so that I was in a better place. I got back into shape, made a bunch of new friends, was going out all the time and even going on first dates. I figured I was okay, and I still missed him being a part of my life so i figured, “Why can’t he and I be friends?” So I went back to school for a few days to tie up some loose ends and ended spending the four days I was there with him.
Of course, I left crying and upset. I told him how much I appreciated him as a friend and as a mentor in my life and he didn’t even make eye contact with me or say thanks that was thoughtful — he just kind of nodded off. Was it naive of me to think I could be friends with him again? I guess I’m afraid I’ve undone the healing I went through earlier in the summer seeing him again and whatnot.
I’ve always been afraid he never felt anything for me. He’s never said “I missed you” or even “You’re beautiful” but we would spend a lot of time together. Is it wrong for me to want his friendship as validation that he cared for me at one point so that I can move on? My diagnosis is that he liked me a lot but pushed me away because he was afraid. Writing that sounds stupid but it’s been my way of rationalizing his behavior to help my broken heart. He messaged me three days after I left saying he hoped I made it safe and whatever but I couldn’t find the strength to respond and I haven’t.
A:
Your scenario is all too familiar; we’ve been there ourselves, as have a majority of the girls who come to our site. It’s so easy to convince ourselves we can handle a friendship or casual second shot at an ex, but the fact of the matter is simple: you’re not over it til you’re over it. And at that point, if you’ve really, truly, honest to god moved on, you don’t care what he thinks, where he’s coming from, what went wrong, or any of that other nonsense. The fact that you’re still analyzing things as deeply as you are is normal, but it also tells me something: you’re not over it yet. So the last thing you should do is let him back inside your bubble. Take it from a girl who knows.
I definitely get the sense that you’re still letting him have a lot of power. My advice to you is this: take it back. Around here, we firmly believe that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it. Perspective is everything. And although you’ve had a little setback, it’s not the end of the world. Starting right now, this very second, you can make a choice to take back your happiness. It’s a little cheesy, but we posted a Carrie Underwood song not long ago on the blog that sums it up perfectly: “You stole my happy, you made me cry, took the lonely & took me for a ride… You had my heart, now I want it back – I’m starting to see everything you lack. Boy, you blew it… you put me through it… I want to undo it.”
Let yourself get mad. Let it out, and then start taking steps to seriously move on. Treat yourself to our betty plan (click here to snap one up) — it emails you one step a day for 90 days, shifting your focus off of him and back onto you, which is exactly where it belongs. Some of the days are actually kind of fun: it’s basically a big, awesome challenge disguised as little daily actions, and when you’ve reached the end of it, it’s like, “Holy crap, I actually just DID all of that, and I feel amazing.” It’s less of an investment than your daily cup of coffee, and yet it can change your life if you let it. Give it a shot and tell us what you think. Don’t spend one more day being miserable… because every day you spend being miserable is 24 hours you can’t get back.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
I’ve “been” with this guy for 7 months and he won’t officially call me his girlfriend even though he’s been telling me he is going to make it official for a few weeks now. We’re really close (almost hang out every day) but yet he won’t make this commitment to me. Should I just forget about that subject or look more into it?
A:
Let me start with a definitive statement: you absolutely shouldn’t “forget about it” at all. If you’ve spent seven months of your life with someone — spending time together nearly every day — you owe it to yourself to communicate openly with him about what you want. Any good relationship leaves lots of room for frank discussions about what each person needs, and even though it might not always be pretty, the freedom to speak up has to be there, or it’s not a healthy relationship in the first place.
If he’s making you promises he’s not keeping, something’s wrong. If he’s putting off getting genuinely serious with you after this length of time, something’s wrong. If he’s not respecting your wishes and talking with you about them, something’s wrong. It might just be that he’s a little freaked out by the prospect of a serious relationship, and that doesn’t make him a bad person; it just means you need to step back and take a long hard look at what you’re willing to settle for and what you aren’t. But either way, you’ll never know unless you tell him point-blank that staying in limbo is no longer an option.
Your conversation with him doesn’t have to be a confrontation, by the way. It can be perfectly respectful and calm, but you need to be firm about your boundaries. If you want to be in a relationship, you should be in one with someone who’s willing to give you the same level of commitment. It’s no fun clubbing someone over the head and dragging him around with you when he doesn’t really want to be there… so find out if that’s what’s going on. If it is, you’re going to be faced with the perfect opportunity to redefine what you look for in a guy, spend some time on your own doing things that make you happy whether there’s a guy around or not, and then make smarter choices in the future.
Here’s something you need to remember: you have as much power here as he does. He doesn’t have the ultimate decision-making authority about what the two of you are or what you call yourselves. It’s a decision that has to be made by both of you. So don’t just look to him for the answer and settle for it; talk with him openly about what you both want, and if you both want different things, go out there and get them. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but medicine doesn’t always have to taste great in order to fix a problem. Do yourself a favor and swing the door wide open. Let him walk through it if he’s ready, and if he’s not, know that you have the power to close it.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
So I just broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. We had been dating for two and a half years, and he was my first boyfriend. There were plenty of reasons why I broke up with him and deep down I’ve been wanting to break up with him for a long time. I was just always hoping he would break up with me. But I finally had to do it because I wasn’t happy. He wasn’t a terrible boyfriend, but I didn’t think it was working. He was heartbroken and is still very depressed about it. I still talk to him every so often because I do miss him and it’s hard to go from always talking to him to not talking to him at all, but also because I feel guilty that I dumped him and I don’t want to completely abandon him too. Also, he still wants to be friends… I’m not sure if that’ll work, but again, I feel guilt for leaving him and I don’t want to ignore him.
Anyway, it’s been a month. He is still in terrible shape and I’m not always top notch but I’m doing well. The thing is, I have a crush on another guy. I don’t plan on rushing into anything right now because I know I need time to adjust, but what would an appropriate amount of time be to wait until I should be allowed to date someone new? How do I deal with telling my ex? Why do I feel so guilty for having a crush on someone? Do you think I actually like this guy, or am I just fixating on someone to distract myself from my breakup?
A:
Know what? The interesting thing is, you’ve already answered some of your own questions simply by asking them… which tells me that deep down, you know what you need to do; you’re just afraid to do it.
First of all, let’s tackle the issue of how to handle your situation with your ex. It’s interesting; at Pink Kisses, we often give advice to girls who desperately want to stay in contact with their ex-boyfriend and come up with all sorts of reasons why it makes sense (even though it really doesn’t)… and in this case, the roles are reversed; you’re the one who wants to pull away but feels guilty for it. Truly, though, you’re pressing a bruise and refusing to let him heal, and that’s the part you should actually feel guilty about. By staying in contact, you’re delaying his (and your) recovery. Whether you realize it or not, you’re doing more harm than good right now. Look – no breakup is fun. Nobody likes hurting someone they care (or cared) about… but sticking around under the “friendship” label isn’t particularly honest, especially when you’re doing it out of pity. Let him be a man and pick himself up. Let him do it on his own. Even though you may feel bad about it, you need to walk away. The more space you give him to bounce back and move on with his life, the less guilty you’ll feel over time, because you’ll have given him enough room to breathe again without you.
In fact, PK’s founder, Ellie, wrote an awesome post not long ago about knowing when to walk away instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you. Check it out and let it validate some things you probably already know in your gut, but need to hear out loud so they can sink in.
Now, as for you being ready to get back out there: you’ll know when you’re ready… because when you are, there won’t be any question in your mind about it. If there’s doubt in your mind that enough time has passed, then you’re right. Not enough time has passed. There’s no set rule — no exact formula — for how long you should wait, except that by the time you start dating again, you basically need to feel pretty much completely free of feelings for your ex. As for telling him you’re seeing someone new, there’s no need… because as we just covered, you shouldn’t be in contact with him these days to begin with. If you ever cared about him at all — and it sounds like you truly did, and in some ways still do — you’ve got to let him go. It’s the right thing to do. And when it’s time to move on to someone new, you’ll just know. It really is that simple — all you have to do is realize it.
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
There’s this guy I’m dating. He is 27. He told me he’s not sure he wants a relationship. He’s going to create a new business with his best friend, and he said he might be busy with that. What does he mean? Should I continue dating him? My best friend told me he doesn’t want a girlfriend… will ever change his mind? Is he playing games?
A:
Okay, let’s rip this band-aid off SUPER quick. Unfortunately, as much as you may adore this guy, I don’t think he wants to give you the level of commitment you want… and that’s probably not going to change. It doesn’t sound like he’s playing games — it sounds like he’s telling the truth.
He may still hang out with you even though he says he’s not interested, but that’s probably because he likes the perks and nothing more. The fact that he’s going into business with a friend shouldn’t have any bearing on whether or not he’s willing to get involved with you — truly, none whatsoever; it’s just a convenient excuse. When someone really wants to pursue a relationship with someone, they’ll find a way to make it happen, come hell or high water. That’s a tough thing to wrap our heads around when we like a guy and think he’s sending us mixed signals and might come around later, but we’re here to tell you: this guy isn’t nearly as into you as an object of your affection should be. The challenge of trying to snag him will grow old after a while, and you’ll end up getting hurt. You don’t deserve that.
If you’re going to spend that much time and energy on someone, it needs to be a guy who’s willing to spend every bit as much time and energy on you. The attraction should be equally reciprocated. Those guys do exist! So do yourself a favor and take this guy’s words as fact. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and although it sucks to hear it, it’s okay. It’s no fun to hear, but it’s not the end of the world either. It doesn’t mean you’re not awesome and amazing and brilliant and incredible. It just means one tiny person out of billions (seriously… billions!) won’t let himself fall in love with you for whatever reason. The nice thing is: accepting that fact and getting on with it can free you up to find someone who will, and also gives you the liberty to go on plenty of adventures on your own in the meantime.
If you feel like you’re kind of stuck on him and need a little nudge to get over it, though, that’s exactly why we created the Betty Plan. It sends you a step to take each day (via an email around lunchtime) to shift your focus off of him and back onto you and your future, where it belongs. If things never got super-serious with him, you might want to try our crush version (click here to check it out) — it covers all the grey space between “just hanging out” and dating someone who never quite became an official boyfriend.
Basically, the PK girls have totally been where you are, and we’ve used our own experiences (and feedback from girls all over the country) to write the plan. It can get you over him in no time flat if you let it. So… why not let it? 
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
How is it still so hard, going on 8 months? Sometimes I feel like my love for him (and my annoyance with other men) is lasting so long, maybe I was wrong to walk away. But then I suppose he didn’t care enough to fight for me back. Is it wrong for me to be the one who fights for the relationship? I feel so lost today.
A:
There’s no right or wrong when it comes to your feelings, but there’s healthy and then there’s self-defeating… and believe us when we say we’ve been through all of it at some point or another. It’s totally normal to have doubts about walking away from a relationship, even 8 months after the fact, or longer. But it’s not fair to let yourself get stuck in a pattern of regret. If your gut instinct told you to walk away and you followed it, then that’s all you need to know. If he didn’t come around fighting to get you back into his life and make things better between the two of you, then it’s not worth spending your time and energy on him any more. There are better things up ahead, whether you realize it or not.
Sure, you’ll need to give yourself time to work through all the emotions that come along with the aftermath of a breakup, particularly if you’ve been kind of setting them aside, thinking they’ll just magically disappear. Sometimes we need to kick and scream and cry and just let it out for a while. But don’t you dare let yourself get stuck in that space, focusing on the past, sabotaging yourself and passing up opportunities for happiness. (When we say “opportunities for happiness,” by the way, we don’t necessarily mean other men. We mean going after and grabbing whatever makes you smile — traveling, spending time with friends, pursuing a hobby or creative pursuit, trying things that scare you… basically, we’re talking about cultivating your own joy, on your own terms, and not worrying so much about romantic relationships. The best ones jump up and happen when you least expect them to — when you’re busy paying attention to positive things in your own life and generating good energy that acts like a shield against hurtful things no matter where you go or what you do.)
Happiness is infectious, and it’s free. It’s not always easy to find, but the secret is, you’re capable of seeking it out all on your own, and the journey is half the fun… even though sometimes it can scare the crap out of us. But you know what? The fear is kind of fun too, if you think about it. You can let it make you do bold things and take you places in life you never otherwise would have gone. You can let it empower you. Life’s too short to spend it looking backwards.
Here’s a link to a song we absolutely love around here… give it a listen and let it inspire you. If you haven’t tried our Betty Plan yet, absolutely give it a shot (you can find it here) and let it be your wingman for the next few weeks or months. Most of all, take the time to do something positive, healthy and amazing — big or little, doesn’t matter — just for you. You deserve it. :)
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
Oh hi everyone. Betty here.
You might have seen me sashaying around the Pink Kisses site, rockin’ my PK tattoo and lookin’ all sorts of fierce. I like to take a break from my usual badassery every Tuesday to answer a question or two about boys, breakups and all things related. Settle in, dolls. I’ll tell it to you straight.
Q:
I was asked to a dance by this boy I really like, but I was so scared. I was SO scared, I unconsciously avoided him as much as I love him. After about an hour, some of my friends dragged him over. He said hi and asked, “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you!” Then he said, “I’ll be back” and walked away, but he never came back. Now I think it’s all my fault that I avoided him in the first place, and I’ve been randomly crying for 2 days. Please help me… I’ve loved this kid since 6th grade and I can’t get over it!
A:
Hi honey! The answer to your question is simpler than you think. If this boy left you alone at a dance, he’s not worth crying over. Seriously. No matter what you said or did in the weeks, days, hours or moments leading up to the moment he walked away, the fact is, he walked away, and that was rude. You don’t ask a girl to a dance and then abandon her… if he were to do that sort of thing as an adult, his name would be mud all over town. Don’t settle for that sort of behavior.
The fact of the matter is, you probably don’t love this boy. You love the idea of him, and you’re probably making him out to be way cooler than he actually is. There will be lots of other dances, other dates, other boys. You’ve got the rest of school and your entire adulthood ahead of you to fall in love and experience all the thrills that come with it. This guy right here — the one that walked away from you — is NOT your whole world. He never was, and he never will be. No one ever really should be, to be honest. In life, you’re going to have to put yourself first. You’re going to get hurt — that’s part of being human — but you can minimize a lot of damage by taking care of yourself and never letting a boy be your absolute everything.
I’ll bet you’ve got all sorts of talents and gifts. I’ll bet there’s something that you’re really, really good at, and I’m sure you already have an idea of what it is. You’re young… so indulge in it all you can. You never know where it might take you. It could turn into a career – it could take you on all sorts of amazing adventures in the future. So pay attention to it now instead of paying attention to what’s-his-head. He’s not worth your time. Your happiness is. 
PK2U,
Betty
got a question for betty? shoot her an email using the “ask betty” box on the right. she’ll be all over it!
