After a break-up it’s easy to not only feel hurt and upset, but lonely too. You’ve spent a significant amount of time with a person who is suddenly no longer in your life, either in the same way, or at all. It’s natural to want to maintain a relationship with that person – calling them, finding ways to bump into them during the day, or planning “casual” lunch dates. Sometimes, though, this is exactly the opposite of what you need.

Her Campus spoke with relationship and break-up experts Dan Lier, of AskDanandMike.com, Ellie Scarborough, of PinkKisses.com, Dr. Ish. Major, of LittleWhiteWhys.com, and Dr. D. Ivan Young, author of Break up, Don’t Break Down for tips on when it’s OK to contact him, and when you have to just let go.

Here we list the do’s and don’ts of staying friends with an ex.

Don’ts:

Don’t enter into a “friendship” if you still feel romantic love.
Scarborough suggests a no-contact rule for at least 90 days after the break-up. “Instead of putting your energy into trying to be friends with the person you just broke up with, put that energy into other relationships like friends and family who you might have neglected a bit during the relationship,” she says.

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Q:

I’ve been dating a great guy, he is 53 and never been married. He is successful, great career, treated me great until…. We talked every day, saw each other twice a week for 4 months. He then stated he had tried to have relationships and he just can’t be in a relationship. I asked him why, he stated work and his family back home. He IS NOT dating anyone else. He seemed crazy about me and now I’m not hearing from him. He told me he can’t give me what I want and need. I think he will be back, but what should I do?

A:

The beginning stages of a relationship are fun, but they can sometimes be misleading. Before there are any expectations, before obligations creep in… that’s generally when it feels the most carefree for men, but as women, we tend to start making future plans rather quickly. When we reach a point where we start externalizing those plans, men usually pick one direction or the other (i.e., sticking around or hitting the road), and there may not be much space in between.

If he told you outright that he can’t give you what you want and need, it’s probably the truth. So, starting right now, it’s up to you to make your own happiness and move forward without him. If you need a little daily nudge, you might consider checking out our Betty Action Plan — it emails you a specific new step to take each day for 30 days straight, to get you focused on YOU again instead of him, regardless of what the future holds. Taking care of yourself and creating your own joy is always a win-win, no matter what.

Hang in there, babe! You’re a self-sufficient creature who deserves to be happy, with or without him.

got a question for me? shoot me email at ellie@pinkkisses.com

xx,

ellie

Here’s our pick for this week: Dixie Chicks – Not Ready to Make Nice. Because let’s face it, you’re probably still mad as hell and that’s okay right now.

If this song is exactly what you needed right now, be sure to thank your girl, Shereen. Thanks, doll!

xx,
ellie

xx,

ellie

Here’s how it works:

• Choose a topic. Think about what you wanted to hear when going through a breakup. Here are some good examples: celeb splits, survival stories, sage advice, the ex files (reflections on past relationships), finding your inner bombshell, etc.
  
• Write up a post, 500 words minimum.
  
• Submit by emailing your post to claire@pinkkisses.com with the subject “PK Voice” by midnight on May 23rd.
  
• We will choose up to 5 winners, depending on the awesomeness of the entries
  
• Winners will receive these awesome prizes: pk tank, compact, koozie and your very own spot on the PK blog

Ready, set, go!

xx

Ellie  & the PK team

Q:
I really need some help, because this feeling is ridiculous. My ex and I broke up THREE years ago. We went out for two years, but during those 2 years we were basically together ALL THE TIME. He was close to my fam..etc. We talked about marriage..had a pretty healthy relationship or so i thought..UNTIL he completely blindsided me and became attracted to someone at work. We broke up OVER THE PHONE and pretty much became strangers. What’s always bringing these feelings of anger back are facebook, friends that I still talk to of his. He ended up marrying the girl from work 2 weeks ago! YAY for me. I just want to forget about him and not care..and let go…

A:

Honey, I know it can be hard to let go of the possibilities, whether it’s been three weeks or three years. BUT, it’s time to let this guy go. What are you waiting for? He CLEARLY has moved on and isn’t making any attempts to come back. And, by the way, he wasn’t that awesome. Just look at how your relationship ended! You deserve better. In fact, you need to take some time to write down all of the reasons he didn’t rock and look at that list any time you’re in doubt.

You say you want to forget about him and move on. It’s simple, really. It sucks, but you have to cut off any friends you share, any people you’re connected to on facebook who are friends with him and any other reminders… at least while you’re healing. You don’t need to torture yourself by seeing his status updates or looking at his wedding pictures. Nope, it’s time to focus on you. You’ve got an inner badass in there somewhere… let her shine.

got a question for me? shoot me email at ellie@pinkkisses.com

Girls, you should never settle for less than you deserve. T-Boz, Left Eye and Chilli all knew the same thing, so they put it all in a little song for us called, “No Scrubs.”

When you’re done rocking out and continue to move on, remember: “Just say NO…to scrubs.”

xx,
ellie

xx,

ellie

Sometimes loves comes around and it knocks you down,
Just get back up when it knocks you down

And you know what? You’re not alone. We’ve felt the same pain after heartbreak and we’re all here as living proof that you do get back up again.

Keri Hilson – Knock you Down ft. Kanye West, Ne-Yo

xx,
ellie

xx

ellie